You may find you're feeling extra thirsty for attention these days, Leo. It makes sense; this is your season, and you're traditionally the thirstiest bitch in the Sahara. But guess what! Despite what your royal lion a$$ may think, the world is NOT your stage, and we are NOT HERE TO CLAP 4 U, OKAY?! What do I look like? A goddamn mirage? Stop posting thirst traps on insta and start hydrating your dramatic flare by doing something fucking productive for once in your GODDAMN LIFE. Also, Happy Birthday! Prepare to be roasted.
Cancer (June 22nd - July 22nd): Today's celestial energy may encourage you to tap into your ultra-sensitive side, Cancer. You often find your imagination and natural insecurity get the best of you, leading you to fully embrace the fact that you are a fucking crazy person. Today, try not to say things like, "I swear, this is my last pack," whilst lighting your third cigarette of the morning, or "I want to stop crying, but I CAN'T" when your step-sister returns the crop top she borrowed from you without your knowledge last week. Everyone's had enough of your moody shit, okay? It's time, Cancer. Today is the day - the day to finally stop being a little bitch. So put on your big kid pants, pop a Klonopin, and fucking RELAX before the Universe sense some Aries and Libras to do it for you.
SUPER SUPER EXCITING::: Starting in May, Megan McDermott and I will be putting on a monthly variety show for and by women at Artichoke Basille's Pizza in Bushwick! Doors open at 9pm and the show will start at 11pm. Some of our fellow performers include Reina Rouzaud, Kimberly Rios, Amanda Hudson, Sofia Dobrushin, Hannah Abney, Kate Hopkins, and Natalie Barkman. But of course, there's always room for more (*cough* you *cough*).